Note: (2021.02.17) This was originally written in September, 2015. I am reposting it here to show that it IS possible for life to get better. Since the date on the tattoo, 2,110 days have passed (5 yrs. 9 mos and 7 days) During that time, I have been abstinent from all mood and mind altering substances. I have also not attempted to surrender to that darkness that this who have been there, know so well.
I recently became a part of Project Semicolon, a global movement dedicated to presenting hope and love to those who are struggling with depression, suicide, addiction and self-injury as signified by a tattoo of a semicolon. Mine is on my left wrist and personalized mine with the date of a recent decision, the decision to live.
My story stretches back years as I have dealt with depression, substance abuse and addiction. This has resulted in more than a few suicidal episodes and the progression of the disease of addiction.
On May 9, 2015, I was in that dark place. The circumstances that brought me to there do not matter. What matters is that I made the wrong choice and, in an effort to escape the darkness used my drug of choice, intravenous heroin. This course of action did not work and just served to deepen the darkness. That choice introduced some consequences into my life to complicate matters. On the day I chose to use, I had not used any mood or mind altering substances for 88 days. As a member of a twelve step fellowship of people seeking freedom from the disease of addiction, I keep track of such things. I have been seeking that freedom for more than 3 years and the longest period of abstinence which had previously been achieved was 51 weeks.
The fact that I again used made the prospect of ending the struggle and surrendering to the darkness a very inviting option. Before I took that drastic action, I thankfully went to a 12 step meeting. At the end of the meeting, I spoke with a friend who has had similar struggles and he made sure that I got to a place where I could be helped.
Today I am actively working with another person in recovery who is helping me to learn to live life on life’s terms.
Today I do not regret the choice I made to continue writing the sentence that is my life. Life is currently good. I work at remaining grateful for the gifts and challenges each day brings. I have not used a mind or mood altering substance in 124 days: 4 months and 1 day. I know that no matter what life brings: challenges, pain or pleasure, I am no longer alone and do not have to use again or contemplate ending the sentence prematurely. The date on the tattoo is 2015.05.10, Mother’s Day, an appropriate day to celebrate life.
A friend commented that receiving the tattoo must have stung. Yes, it did hurt a little but, but that was a good pain. It let me know that I am alive.
Ray of Sonshine 